Coppertone and Gunpowder
by Ninjababe
Summary: Darcy ends up going on vacation, and finds a relative in a place she didn't expect. This is part of my 'Dacy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired)'. The order of the series is in my bio.


Disclaimer: I own none of these characters...

Thanks to Ithildin (yet again) for the title.

This story contains a stealth crossover, which will be identified in the end notes.

Translations at end of story. 

* * *

Silently walking up behind the unauthorized person glaring at the map of the labs on her office wall, Darcy quickly pulled out her taser. Soon, the man was unconscious and twitching on the floor.

After Security dragged the intruder away, Darcy gave her office a quick look over. Seeing nothing out of place, she sat down and started to work on her paperwork.

Hours later, her office door opened revealing Agent Maria Hill and the man she had tased earlier. Darcy raised her eyebrows, ignoring the glare from the man. "Yes, Agent Hill?"

"It seems that your personal security passes inspection, but Agent Rocha is concerned about your departmental security," Agent Hill replied with a smirk.

"That," Agent Rocha pointed to the map on the wall, his hand shaking slightly, "is against SHIELD policy. Any intruder can use that to find and steal valuable intel."

Calmly standing up, Darcy waved towards the map, "Go on then. Find the fusion lab."

Agent Rocha looked confused. "Excuse me?"

Darcy grinned. "I may have a map on my wall, but I would love for you to decode it."

Looking close, Agent Hill gave a small chuckle. "Unicorn? Is that Doctor Foster's lab?"

Darcy nodded as her grin got wider.

"DBZ? Noisy Cricket? Carbuncle? Mos Eisley? What do they mean?!" Agent Rocha exclaimed, waving wildly at the map.

"I thought you would've used GLaDOS for that lab," Agent Hill replied, ignoring Agent Rocha.

Darcy dropped the pen in her hand in shock, "You play Portal!" Giving herself a shake, she continued, "And, I'm reserving that for the future artificial intelligence lab. After I describe to them the history of GLaDOS as a reminder not to go too far."

"The map stays," Agent Hill declared. She continued over Agent Rocha's protests, "It stays per my command."

Giving Darcy a nod, Agent Hill led her subordinate from Darcy's office. 

* * *

"I'm fine!" Darcy exclaimed as she flung the pile of weekly reports onto Coulson's desk.

"You're severely stressed," Coulson replied calmly.

Darcy tugged at her hair as she yelled, "I am not!"

"You've almost tased Stark two weeks ago. You came close to attacking Agent Romanov when she came up behind you yesterday. You tased a security officer in your office just a few days ago," Coulson pointed out. "You're going on vacation, for at least two weeks."

Darcy growled before stomping out of the office, slamming the door behind her hard enough that it bounced back to the open position.

"Remember the protocols!" Coulson called down the hall after her. 

* * *

Darcy adjusted her floppy straw hat as she leaned back into her chaise lounge. "Okay, I'll admit it," she said into her cell phone, waving her other hand towards the man down the beach holding two large drinks. "I needed a vacation."

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," Coulson dryly replied. "I'll talk to you in twelve hours for your next check-in."

"Sure thing, boss man," Darcy said with a grin before ending the call and flinging her phone into her open purse. Reaching out, she carefully took the frosty glass from the man now seated next to her. "Gracias."

"De nada, mi florecita," the man replied as he sprawled across the chaise lounge to the left of Darcy.

"Cipriano, I have no idea what you said after 'you're welcome'," Darcy pointed out before sipping her drink.

The man grinned, showing perfect, white teeth. "But, mi florecita, you are doing so well in learning the beautiful language of my country."

Giving a little giggle, Darcy smiled back. "So, what shall we do today?"

Cipriano leaned forward, becoming earnest. "I want you to come experience my home. This weekend, I am having a grand house party. Many beautiful men, many beautiful women, rios of wine, all the comforts. It will be a beautiful fiesta!"

"I've had a great time this last week, but I don't know," Darcy replied, gnawing her bottom lip. "You've mentioned that there's no cell access there, and I need to check-in every twelve hours."

"Yes, yes," Cipriano waved a hand as if to brush the trouble away. "You can use my land line to call your very overprotective father."

Darcy giggled as she stood up and readjusted the flimsy swim wrap around her waist before grabbing her purse. "As long as I can check-in, we won't get into trouble. See you in half an hour, after I pack."

"What a beautiful location!" Darcy exclaimed as the limo pulled through the open front gates and into the courtyard of the large house. The drive had been two, hours through the jungle, not a human seen the whole time.

Cipriano grinned as he helped her out of the car. "I am glad you like it, mi munequita."

"Stop using words I don't know," Darcy said with a mock glare.

Keeping ahold of her arm, he led her toward the main doors. "Come, I will give you a tour while the servants take your luggage up. As I am host, we arrived first. The rest will arrive tomorrow."

"Remember, I have to check-in in a few hours," Darcy replied as she eyed the guards standing on each side of the doors.

"Of course, mi florecita, of course."

Before the tour could begin, one of the armed guards pulled Cipriano aside.

"I am desolate," Cipriano turned to Darcy with a sad face. "But, the duty, it calls. I must go, but your tour " Pausing, he nodded. "I will assign someone to show you my wonderful hacienda.

Darcy was quickly swept away with the housekeeper for her tour while Cipriano turned serious and walked down a side hallway. 

* * *

In the middle of the night, Darcy startled awake, sat up in her bed, and stared into the darkness.

A few minutes later, she heard the sound that had woken her again. Throwing the sheets aside, she jumped from her bed and grabbed the knife and lockpick kit from under her pillow.

Sneaking around, she followed the sounds of cut-off screams. As she got closer to the source of the sounds, she started to hear grunts and the sounds of flesh hitting flesh.

As she reached to slowly open the door in front of her, Darcy heard a female voice call out, "Stop it! You're going to kill him!"

Startled, Darcy backed up a step. She knew that voice. Hearing footsteps coming from behind the door, she quickly backed up farther and hid in an alcove across the hall.

"We'll leave you to your rest, and continue this tomorrow," Cipriano said with mock hospitality as he left the room, using a rag to clean the blood off his hands.

Darcy waited twenty minutes after he and his two bodyguards had left before again reaching for the door handle he had opened.

Shaking her head at how unprofessional they were to leave the door unlocked, she slipped her lockpick kit back into her sleep shorts pocket. Grasping her unsheathed knife firmly, she slowly entered the room. Seeing four people, one woman and three men, chained by their left ankle to the wall across the room and no one else, Darcy calmly shut the door behind her and turned the deadbolt.

"Oh, what? He sent his knife artist to soften us up now?" the cut hottie in the room snarled out.

Putting away her knife, she put her hands on her hips and glared at the woman. "You know, Aunt Fi. You never call, you never write!"

"You know this girl?" the older man asked towards the woman, who was tearing one of her pant legs up for bandages for the hurt man on the ground.

The woman looked up from her work and slowly blinked, wide-eyed. "Darcy?!"

"Yes, Aunt Fi," Darcy replied with a grin and a little wave. "What brings you to the lovely wilds of the Central American jungle?"

"Trying to take down a drug dealer," Fiona replied with a shrug. "You?"

"Fi, you know her?" the currently bleeding man asked as he struggled to sit up.

Darcy gave a shrug. "My vacation fling is having a house party. And, I just discovered he happens to be a drug dealer. Who knew!"

"This is not good," the older man grumbled.

Darcy gave another shrug. "Eh, no big."

"How can you say that?" Fiona asked. "We're in the middle of the jungle, unarmed, at the mercy of a drug dealer!"

"I don't check-in for a day, and the cavalry will arrive." Darcy grinned.

"Honey, I don't know who your cavalry are," the hottie stated slowly, as if talking to a slow child. "But, unless we can find a way to escape, we're as good as dead."

Rolling her eyes, Darcy unlocked the door and peered down the hall. "Just try and stay alive for another twenty six hours or so. I'll try and distract Senor Cipriano De Leon so he doesn't come and try to recreate his own dungeon fantasy. See ya!"

"Darcy!" Fiona hissed out, but was ignored.

Sneaking back through the compound, Darcy got back to her room. Giving a deep sigh, she replaced her knife and lockpicks under her pillow and paced her room. "I should've been suspicious when I couldn't find my Council phone in my bag. But, no, I had to assume it was somewhere in the purse of doom." After glaring at her large purse, she took a few deep breathes to calm down. Finally, she laid down on her bed and tried to get a few hours of sleep before her performance tomorrow. 

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want to call your father, mi florecita?" Cipriano asked with raised eyebrows at the dining table the next morning.

Casually waving a hand, Darcy shook her head. "Like you said, he's overprotective. He wanted me to take a vacation, he can live with it."

Grinning, Cipriano nodded. "What shall we do until the guests arrive, hmm?"

"I've heard about the wildlife in the jungles here," Darcy stated while waving her butter knife around. "So, show me wildlife."

With a smirk, he nodded. "As you wish."

Three hours later, the two were laughing as they stumbled back through the front gates. A few moments later, gunshots were heard.

"Oh my god!" Darcy exclaimed, looking around wildly.

Cipriano pushed her towards the nearest guard. "Lock her in the guest study!"

"Hey!" Darcy exclaimed. "You're hurting me!"

Speaking in rapid fire Spanish, the man tried to drag her towards the left side door of the house.

Seeing that they were currently alone, Darcy punched the elbow of the arm dragging her with her free hand. After quickly kicking him in the knee, she punched him in the jaw as he fell. Taking a deep breath, she watched the man lay there. After few moments of no movement, she dragged his unconscious body behind a bush and started to jog towards the fight.

"You couldn't wait just sixteen more hours?" Darcy exclaimed as she hit a man over the head with a nearby vase.

"For what? Your friends to call the local police?" the older man snarked back as he fought off two other men.

Darcy rolled her eyes as she expertly leg swept another of the men. "Oh, please."

"ENOUGH!" A spat of automatic gunfire went off a few feet above their heads as Cipriano shouted.

All fighting stopped and the five non-thugs put up their arms and submitted to having their arms tied behind their backs.

"Darcy, I'm ashamed. I treat you like a reina, a queen, and this is how your repay me?" Cipriano glared at her.

Darcy didn't reply, she just rolled her eyes.

Turning around, Cipriano started to walk away. "Take them into the jungle, and shoot them," he called over his shoulder.

"Take a vacation, he ordered," Darcy grumbled as she was pushed outside the compound. "I'm so relaxed!" she yelled out in anger into the jungle.

The thug pushing her along dug his gun farther into her back. "Shut up, puta."

Darcy gave a little growl. "A, I'm not a whore, thank you very much. B, make me."

"Darcy, please be quiet." Fiona sounded a little frantic.

"Listen to her, puta," the thug pushing Darcy growled before punching her in the back.

"You'll pay for that, by the way." Darcy glared over her shoulder. "One of my trainers punches better than you, and she's a girl!"

The thug pushed her hard enough for Darcy to fall to the ground. "Shut up!" Reaching down, he pulled her back up.

Leaning back, Darcy head butted him. Having cut her ropes using the knife hidden in the waistband of her shorts, she whirled around, grabbed his gun, and ejected the clip. After throwing the empty weapon to the ground, she grabbed his right arm and held it behind his back, using him as a human shield.

"Do you really think we care enough about Carlos to worry about accidentally killing him when we shoot you?" the thug holding the older guy asked with a laugh.

"She doesn't need to worry about that," a male voice said from the jungle as dozens of men and women in combat armor surrounded the group, guns pointed at the thugs. "I'm Agent Coulson of SHIELD. Slowly drop your weapons and raise your hands above your heads."

Darcy stood with hands on her hips. "What happened to two missed check-ins?"

Raising an eyebrow, Coulson replied, "When we noticed where your sub-dermal tracker was transmitting from, and you missed a check-in, we decided to move out. Really, a drug dealer?"

"He said he was old money. He collected art," Darcy glared, "And, you put a tracker in me?! Hey!"

"You were leaving for a foreign country, by yourself. Considering how much trouble you get into at HQ, surrounded by agents, it was a sensible precaution," Coulson replied with a shrug, before turning to the hurt man with Fiona. "Hello, Mr. Westen."

"Hey, thanks for the save," the older man with Fiona threw out as Darcy looked between the hurt man and Coulson.

"You know him?" Darcy asked.

Coulson shrugged again. "Of him. Formerly burned spy for the CIA."

"Huh" Darcy replied. "Does that mean you know Aunt Fiona?"

Fiona screeched in horror as the cute man with her asked, "Huh?"

Darcy winced. "Aunt Fi has a thing about family members working for government agencies." Turning to her Aunt, she shrugged, "Sorry."

Coulson looked slightly ruffled, which for him was severely shocked. "Fiona Glenanne is your aunt? Why isn't that in your file?"

Darcy grinned, and bounced a bit on the balls of her feet as she explained, "My dad's considered the 'black sheep' of the family. He didn't want to fight for Irish independence, then moved to America and changed his name. Aunt Fi would visit when she could. She was my only relative on that side to. I didn't figure out until a few years ago why Dad was always upset when she did. I guess he didn't like the fact she was using us to hide from the law."

Coulson pinched his nose for a moment, and then shook off his shock. "Let's get out of here. According to mission chatter, De Leon and his men have all been captured. Once the debriefs are done, you're all free to go."

As people started to troop out of the clearing, Fiona stalked over to her niece, "And, just what do you do at SHIELD?!"

Darcy looked hopeful. "Umm it's classified?"

"Ms. Glenanne, you aren't cleared for that information," Coulson stated as he led her and Darcy toward the SHIELD vehicles.

"We'll see about that," Fiona replied with narrowed eyes as she stomped into the back of a van with Westen. 

* * *

The stealth crossover in this is Burn Notice.

This story is yet another idea from Ithildin. I think I may nickname her my muse She thought having Darcy stumble across a Burn Notice mission would be fun.

Then, she had a brain storm. "Oh! Oh! What if Fiona is her aunt!"

And, lo, this was born!

Translations from Spanish

Mi florecita - my little flower

Gracias - thank you

De nada - you're welcome

Rios - rivers

Fiesta - party

Mi munequita - My little doll

Hacienda - large estate

Reina - queen

Puta - whore

Thanks to Sparrow for helping me brainstorm the different lab names. I didn't use all of them in this story, but in case you were curious, a rundown:

DBZ - Fusion lab. It's short of Dragon Ball Z, where one of the battle moves is called fusion, where two characters fuse into one being.

Noisy Cricket - Hand held weapons, from the movie Men in Black, where one of the weapons is a tiny thing called a Noisy Cricket that packs a large punch.

Unicorn - Jane's Lab, where portal research, including the rainbow bridge, is done. Unicorns, rainbows GLaDOS - future AI research. GLaDOS, short for Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, is the antagonist in the games Portal and Portal 2. She can be quite homicidal.

Carbuncle - the Armour lab. Carbuncle is a summoned 'monster' (its form is usually a giant green rabbit with a red jewel on it's forehead) in the Final Fantasy game series. Usually, when summoned, it performs spells to protect the characters, including barrier, a shield against physical attacks.

Mecha - Vehicles. Mecha are giant robots (usually) in anime.

BFG - Large yield weapons. Abbreviation for Big F'ing Guns, from the DOOM games. Thanks to BigHead and Valandar for clarification.

Mos Eisley - xeno biology. The name of a town on Tatooine, in the Star Wars universe. Thanks to GreenRider for reminding me...


End file.
